5 Lessons Learned from a Lifetime of Friendships

This summer has been a time for reflection and reconnection. Thinking back on how far I’ve come, in grad school specifically and in life generally. And one thing I’ve been really thinking about a lot is friendships and I’ve been doing a lot of reconnecting with friends now that I’m done with grad school. 

One friend is moving back to Arizona from China, another is moving back after 10 years in London. And if you’ve been watching my YouTube channel lately you know that my friend Tamzin came to Arizona from Sheffield, England to stay with me for two weeks.

Having been thinking a lot about friendship, I thought it might be fun to talk about the five things I’ve learned about friendship over the years.

1. You can’t choose your friends

I don’t think I’ve every met someone and thought, “they’re going to be my friend”. A lot of times I hoped they would be, but you really can’t choose them. All of my friends are people who I slowly got to know better over the course of time and/or certain situations threw us closer together and a friendship developed. There was always a bit of serendipity to it, as if fate knew something we didn’t know and that this person would be someone I would need eventually. Thinking about all of my friends I can’t pinpoint a single quality or characteristic that was the defining quality that made them my friend, it was the whole package and the circumstances that brought us together. Some of my friends are very similar to me, with similar interests, others are actually very different in terms of interests but our core beliefs are similar. So, you really can’t choose your friends. You never know why you’ll be friends with someone. Sometimes you can meet someone who seems like they’d be ideal as a friend, similar interests and personalities, but you just don’t click. Whatever you do, you have to stay open. Friendships find you in the strangest ways sometimes.

2. Time doesn’t matter

I have friends I’ve known for 30 years (since childhood), 20 years (since high school), and friends I’ve known for only a couple years. I trust them all the same. If you become my friend, it’s because somehow you’ve proven that you can be trusted with that privilege and with my trust and how long we’ve known each other doesn’t really matter. I have tons of casual and friendly acquaintances. People I know through work and school and volunteering. But to be my friend is something different. It’s hard to describe, but my friends are all people I trust with my thoughts, fears, hopes, and dreams. And there is not timeframe on how long we have to know each other for that trust to be there. Sometimes I know almost instantly that I can trust someone. When Tamzin and I met in person for the first time back in November, we’d only spent the afternoon together and by dinner (5 hours at Pizza Express) we were both sharing things with each other that we wouldn’t normally share with someone we barely knew. But it no longer felt like we barely knew each other. Also related to time, is the time that can pass between visits. I have friends that I only get to see every six months or so, but when we meet up it’s like no time has passed. Time is weird in friendships.

3. Age doesn’t matter

I’m 37. Tamzin is 18. My two best friends from high school are my age. I have friends in their early 20s, mid 20s, late 20s, early 30s, 40s, and a dear friend who to me doesn’t seem a day over 50 but probably is, though I wouldn’t dare take a stab at guessing her age. That wouldn’t be ladylike, or very friendly lol. Point is, my friends span the age spectrum quite widely. If I were only friends with people my own age, I wouldn’t have very many friends. I’m a firm believer in having very age diverse friendships. My younger friends keep me feeling younger and let me indulge in things that some might think I should have grown out of, like silly celebrity crushes and a love for sparkly nail polish. My older friends give me excellent advice (when I ask for it) and help remind me that the things I’m struggling with are normal, they went through it too, and it will pass. My same age friends are going through a lot of the same things as me and are great for grabbing a drink and just talking it all out. In friendships—real, true friendships—age doesn’t matter.

4. Location doesn’t matter

Now that a couple of my friends are moving back to Arizona, my local friend circle is getting bigger again. But the fact is, most of my friends live in different places. One’s in Utah, another just moved from Michigan to Pennsylvania. Tamzin and another friend are in England. I have some amazing friends I’ve met online but who have become real friends even if we still haven’t met in person, two in Canada and one in Maui. But all of these friends, whether I’ve met them in person or know them online, are all people I know I can talk to or ask for advice or help if I’m struggling with something. I have grad school friends who have graduated and moved on to the next stage of their lives/careers and now live all across the US, but we keep in touch online and when I was going through my comp exam, dissertation writing, and defense prep, they were all available to tell me what I was stressing about was normal and it would be ok. With all of the communication technology available to us today, there’s no excuse for limiting ourselves to friendships in the same town as us. None of my local friends are into YouTube, Instagram, or blogging. But I’ve made amazing online friendships with the people I’ve met through those platforms. And obviously, there’s some extra trust building that has to happen with online friends, you can’t just take things at face value. But as you get to know each other and get a better sense of who they are, that trust gets built and I count some of my online friendships as just as valid as the in person friendships. And that’s allowed me to have friends literally all over the world. Which is pretty cool.

5. BFFs, Tribes, and Girl Squads

In the media, there’s lots of rhetoric around finding your tribe, your girl squad, and having your BFF. This all makes me feel very old, because none of that was around when I was younger. I learned early on, that not all of us have one BFF. Or rather, I did, but then I lost her. My best friend from childhood, Coreen, was absolutely my best friend forever, in every sense of the word. We met when I was 7, she was 8. We survived growing up in the Army, being separated a few times but magically being reunited a few times as well. Our dad’s had slightly parallel careers in the Army, so my dad would get assigned somewhere away from her family, but then get reassigned back somewhere close. We met in Stuttgart, when her family moved into the apartment below ours. Then my family moved to Aschaffenburg. Then we both moved to Ft. Leavenworth, Kansas. Then I moved to California. She came to visit. Then I moved back to Kansas. By the time my dad retired and we moved to Arizona, she’d been my best friend for 10 years and there was no way we were letting another move ruin that. We stayed in touch and visited. We graduated high school and went off to college. She graduated before me and was commissioned into the Air Force and moved to Texas to start her new adventure. Then her life was tragically cut short by Lupus. And at age 21 I lost my best friend. The person who knew me best. We were so different in so many ways, but so alike in others. I couldn’t fathom my life without her in it. I didn’t need or want a tribe or a squad, I just wanted her, my BFF.

Coreen is on the far left with the pink top and blue bandana, I'm next to hear in the red and white
top with the mint skirt. Clearly we were trendsetters from a young age lol.

My other friends rallied around me and slowly I got on with my life, even if only to honor hers. But I’ve always resisted having one best friend. Coreen was it for me. I think part of my also couldn’t stand the thought of getting that close to someone again and then losing them. Which is pretty foolish on my part because really all I’ve done is gathered a dozen best friends in her place and I would be completely broken if I lost any of them. My friend group is fragmented, in that most of them don’t know the others personally. So I wouldn’t call them my tribe or my squad. More like spokes on a wheel and I’m the hub. Personally I like it that way. They’re all hubs on their own wheel, with me being one spoke for them. Together we all make up this network of friendships with some overlaps here and there, rather than one concentrated group or squad of friends. That works for me. You need to find what works for you. But when you come across another article or quiz online talking about girl squads, don’t let yourself feel down if, like me, you don’t have the type of friendships those articles are depicting. We all have different types of friendships and different structures to our friend groups, and that’s ok.

As I near my 40s, my friendships and my approach to friendships has definitely evolved. I’m no longer looking for the friend to go shopping with or go to the movies with. I need people who can help me navigate a much more complex life than I had when I was 18. My friends have helped me get through some of the absolute worst of times as well as celebrated the complete best of times. I can go shopping and go to the movies by myself. But when the shit hits the fan or when something amazing happens, I want people I can share that with, who will be there to support me, no matter what.

Tamzin and I with our prickly pear lemonades
at Tlaquepaque in Sedona.

At the end of the day, friendships come in all ages, lengths of time you’ve know each other, can be scattered all over the world or be right next door. You never know how you’ll meet your next new friend or when some random stranger will turn into someone you feel like you’ve known a lifetime. 

Do you have one best friend or many? Are they all nearby where you live or far away? Would love to hear about your friendship experiences in the comments. And if you liked this post, I’d love if you would share it with others.

Until next time,

Andrea