Turning 37, worrying about my future, and learning to believe in myself

This month I turned 37. Saturday the 24^th of February if we’re being specific. I’m not usually freaked out about birthdays and getting old. But this year feels different. I’m sure readers who are older than me will roll their eyes a bit at me. But I also have heard so many who are younger than me freak out about turning 30, so the thought of turning 37 is probably outright terrifying lol.

I loved turning 30. I was so ready to leave my 20s behind. My 20s were rough. There was so much confusion and frustration. There were heartbreaking losses. I knew that there was very little chance of my 30s being worse than my 20s, so I felt like things could only go up. And for the most part I was right. My 30s have been amazing. Several trips to London and falling in love with such an amazing city. Two magical summers living in Oxford. I’ve made so many amazing friends, all over the world. I completed my second Masters degree, I started and will finish my PhD. The past several years of my 30s so far have been so much more than I could ever have imagined. 

So turning 30 and welcoming a new decade was exciting. 31-34 just felt like any other birthday, I had fun, I celebrated, and I treated myself. 35 was cool, I was officially in my mid-30s and it was a nice even number lol. :) 36 just felt kind of “ok, I’m 36, cool.” But 37…hmm. 

37 feels like I’m in between my mid-30s and my late-30s. I could make arguments for either. Friends have told me 37 is still mid-30s, so ok, I’ll go with that. But 40 is now in the not so distant future. But it’s a future that is very uncertain. And I think that’s why I’m feeling apprehensive about this birthday. It’s not the age, it’s the stage of life I’m in.

I’ve been in grad school for what feels like forever. My whole identity has been wrapped up in being a grad student, a PhD student/candidate, and a college/university instructor. Every birthday just marked a continuation of my grad school experience. It was another reason why I was excited about turning 30. My late 20s were focused on finishing my first Masters and then being unemployed and feeling like I had no direction. So I looked forward to a new decade and new opportunities. 

But now I’m approaching graduation and I have no clue what happens next. 

Not. A. Single. Clue. 

I mean, obviously search for a job and get hired somewhere. I’ve already started searching, while also finishing my dissertation. But I have no serious leads, I’ve had no interviews, and there is so much uncertainty. I’m trying so hard to not panic or stress. To trust that things will work out eventually, as they usually do. It might not work out as I hope, things might take longer than I’d like, but I have a strong support group and I know I will be ok. It will be an adventure, that’s for sure. I just don’t know that I’m up for an adventure.

I’m noticing more than ever, how many of my friends and people in my social groups, as well as people I follow online seem to have their life together. Most of my close friends from high school and my undergrad years have been in their careers for well over 10 years, have savings and investments, own a home, have minimal debt, are married, have children (either of the human or fur baby variety). Their lives match their ages. 

My life feels like I’m still in my early 20s. I live in a rented apartment, I only bought a new car because my old one got totaled (long story, was not my fault, I wasn’t even there lol). I have tons of debt (thanks to 3 graduate degrees). I’m far from being married. And kids are a completely different conversation. I can’t even afford my own dog right now (thank goodness my family has pets I can snuggle).

I know I have worked hard to get to where I am. I made different choices so I have a different life. And yes, “comparison is the thief of joy” and I try very hard to not constantly compare myself to people who made different choices that led to different lives. I know how privileged I am to have the experiences I have. I’m sure there are people who look at my life and wish they could travel as much as I have, go on study abroad trips, study a subject they love to the highest academic level. Normally I’m very good at remembering how freaking lucky I am, and I never regret any of my life choices. As disconcerted as I am at the moment about where my life is at, I can honestly say I wouldn’t go back and make a different choice. Sure, there are things I would do slightly differently (oh what I wish I knew about searching for a job as you’re finishing a PhD!) but I wouldn’t make any different choices. 

I look back at the last several years, particularly the last five of my PhD years. As much stress as it’s been, my life would be completely different if I didn’t do a PhD. There would have been no summers in Oxford. I probably wouldn’t have continued this blog, which was started during my second Masters as part of a class assignment. I also probably wouldn’t have started my YouTube channel, which came out of a research project during my PhD coursework. And there are important people I would have never met who have left indelible marks on my life and have allowed me to grow in ways I otherwise never would have. I wouldn’t trade the experiences of the last five years and the people I’ve met. They have all made me the woman I am today.

I think the biggest lesson I’m learning in my 30s is how to trust myself. And more importantly, how to believe in myself. There’s a quote I posted recently on my Instagram, by Bruce Fairchild Barton, that says, “Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared to believe…Something inside of them was superior to circumstance.” It’s not always easy, but I’m getting better at believing that I am capable of achieving anything I set my mind to. I’m going to complete my PhD in a matter of months. Finding a job and building a career is my next step, and I will eventually be as successful at that as I have been in my grad school work as long as I continue to work hard and do my best.

I also have long been a fan of the quote that Dev Patel’s character says in the film The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (an absolutely charming and heartwarming film) “Everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.” I’m stressed and anxious right now. I’m suffering from chronic severe headaches and a serious case of self-doubt that I have to talk myself out of on a daily basis. Things are definitely not ok right now. But it’s not the end. I’m still in the middle of my story. One chapter is about to end as I turn 37 and prepare to graduate with my PhD. But the next chapter is about to start.

So, while I’m not in a position to hand out a ton of life advice, here’s a few things I have definitely learned, especially during my 30s so far:

1. 30 is a great decade. Never be afraid of entering your 30s or “growing up.” Age is not a number, it’s a state of mind. Each decade will be what you make of it.

2. You are capable of far more than you think you are. I never would have thought I would be this close to finishing my Phd. I think part of me thought I’d either drop out or be kicked out before I got to the end. But I have got this far because I worked for it and I earned it. So try the thing. Just do it. You never know what you can do until you try.

3. Believe in yourself and believe in your dreams. A PhD, Oxford, London, studying fashion and culture…all these things would have seemed so impossible to me when I was 18 and finishing high school. At one point each of these things were just dreams and fantasies. But I made them realities. 

4. Embrace uncertainty. It’s not easy, and I’m still working on this one. I’ve always been afraid of the unknown. I much prefer to know exactly what’s going to happen and how I’m going to get there. But in all these years you know what? The unknown has never killed me. Weird huh? There will be times when you think things won’t work out. Or that the next step is completely blind and you just have to trust things will work out. I look back at the really scary, uncertain times in my life, and pretty much every moment of uncertainty with an unknown future, led me to something amazing. So embrace uncertainty. Take the leap. And fly.

What’s scaring you right now? If you’re like me, you’re probably imagining all the ways things won’t work out. But stop yourself for just a second and think of this:

What if it all works out? What if it all goes right? 

Picture that in your head. Close your eyes and picture it in as much detail as you can. Make it as real as possible. Write down what you see and put it somewhere safe. When doubt starts to creep back in, go back and read what you wrote and picture it again. 

And then get back to work. We’re building our dreams, one step at a time.

Andrea xo